In times of great national distress, it’s common for Americans to seek solace where they can find it. Some turn to television, some turn to drugs and alcohol, but true Americans know the only place to find comfort in these trying times: church.

So it’s no surprise that churches have reported a dramatic uptick in new worshipper-recruitment numbers in the weeks since the COVID-19 pandemic began sweeping our nation.

And, by “churches” we mean Christian houses of worship, not those godless, Jesus-free places whose members are all going to hell.

Sandy Batt, senior minister for recruitment and retention at the Y’all Love Jesus House of the Lord in Tubolls, Arkansas, said:

“Once we saw how our city’s residents refused to shelter-in-place, we knew we were going to have to increase our recruitment efforts to replace all the Jesus-lovers who will be dying in the next few weeks.

In addition to the usual four-slice toaster (with a bagel setting, even though we’re definitely not Jewish) offered as a worshipper-finder bonus, we added a keyring with a one-ounce bottle of hand sanitizer attached to it plus four rolls of premium grade toilet paper. After that, the new members started signing up in droves.”

President Donald “Jesus” Trump was very pleased when he heard the news of increased church membership.

“It’s been part of my plan since the beginning to lead more Americans to Jesus. I’m a thrice-married, twice-divorced, morally bankrupt carnival barker, but there’s a place for me among the evangelicals. If they’ll accept me, they’ll accept anyone.”

It’s not just Minister Batt’s church that has seen a huge influx of new revenue sources. (Oops. I meant to say “devout worshippers.”)

Across the country, churches report that they have recruited millions of new members. And while the responsible houses of worship are streaming their services online, some super-smart Christians are still attending services at church, claiming that Jesus will protect them.

Good luck with that.


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