As  previously reported and fact checked in order to ensure journalistic integrity, Clinton Foundation investigator Kenneth McCormick was found dead in his driveway under mysterious circumstances and his partner in the Uranium One investigation, Special Agent Hankey of the FBI’s Fecal Forensics Unit, was missing and presumed dead. Police had been looking for a black Clinton Foundation SUV that was caught on video and is a prime suspect in the killings.

We can now confirm that both the SUV and the body of Mr. Hankey have been found.

According to investigators the SUV was found abandoned in a remote section of the South Park High School parking lot normally reserved for visiting dignitaries. South Park Interim Police Chief, Officer Barbrady explains:

“Just when we thought we were at a dead end, the SUV was found by Butters Stotch, one of the high school kids. We immediately secured the scene and had our forensics unit analyze the SUV. We found conclusive evidence that Mr. Hankey had been abducted inside the SUV. He must have put up one hell of a fight, because the entire inside of the SUV looked like a shit storm had blown through.

It appears that Mr. Hankey was able to escape his captors, as we were able to trace a trail of poo back to the Broflovski residence, where we found Mr. Hankey’s limp body in Kyle’s bathroom.”

Reached at her home, Mr. Hankey’s widow Autumn was inconsolable:

“He was such a good, loving husband. We were always like two turdle doves swirling in a toilet bowl. He would always sing to his good friend Kyle in his bathroom and he loved to dance. I guess that’s why he went there to die. Life will never be the same without him.”

Asked for comment, DOJ spokesman Joe Barron would only say that the investigation was ongoing and that he was confident that they were closing in on the suspects.

So the saga continues. Let’s hope that this sordid tale will finally come to an end, lest the taters actually start believing this crap. Wait. They do. Because they never, ever read beyond a headline. To honor Kenny’s friend, click on Mr. Hankey below for another delicious recipe!

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