Clinton Foundation Investigator Kenneth McCormick Found Dead

yet another hillary related suicide?

The Clinton body count continues to grow. Clinton Foundation investigator and prosecutor Kenneth McCormick was found dead today in the driveway of his home in South Park, Colorado under extremely mysterious circumstances.

According to reliable sources in the Department of Justice, Mr. McCormick was in the final phase of his investigation into criminal activity by both Bill and Hillary Clinton and was about to indict the former president and first lady on federal crimes.

According to South Park police, McCormick was found by his next-door neighbors, Stan Marsh and Eric Cartman, laying decapitated in a pool of blood after having apparently committed suicide with a pair of cordless hedge clippers. Munching on a bag of Cheesy Poofs, Eric Cartman lamented the untimely demise of his neighbor and best friend:

“Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Those bastards! Everyone in the neighborhood knew something was up when we started to see those black SUV’s with Clinton Foundation stickers slowly driving up and down our street a few weeks ago. We tried to warn him, but Kenny just wouldn’t listen. He kept mumbling something about Uranium One and that he couldn’t talk about it.”

DOJ spokesman Joe Barron vowed that justice would be served:

“Mark my words: we will find Kenny McCormick’s killer. Attorney General Barr has made this our highest priority. It’s Seth Rich and Vince Foster all over again. This heinous crime will not stand. We already have several suspects with ties to the Clinton Foundation in custody. It is only a matter of time before we get to the bottom of this matter.”

Click on Kenny below for some really cool South Park cakes in memory of Kenny!

About Watt A Plonker 41 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London, where he shares a flat with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.