There’s no other way to describe it. Anheuser Busch’s Vice President of Bud Light, Joe Barron, said it perfectly. The Dylan Mulvaney “trans can” was an abomination.

“It was the worst goof in marketing history,” said Barron, “the brand is never going to fully recover. Our analysis says we lost approximately 49 percent of our loyal customers.”

It’s that loss of consumers that now has the company shuttering 5 plants across the country, including the iconic building in St. Louis. More than 20,000 people will lose their jobs. Isn’t that exciting news? Breweries are typically union shops, so there’s double the lib ownage on this one.

None of these numbers could be verified at the time of this article, but we’ll continue reporting them as fact until someone proves otherwise, as usual. That level of professionalistic journalisticating is what we’ve come to expect from our research team.

“The numbers should hold,” said ALLOD Correspondent Cynthia Lewwho, “we have no reason to believe they won’t.” She gave no indication as to why other than “her gut,” which we’ve grown to trust ever since she gave the Grinch the benefit of the doubt. She may have been duped and lost the family tree that night, but she just knew that slimy bastard would come barreling back down that hill.

God Bless America.


1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *