Insiders at Anheuser Busch have revealed a disturbing run list for 2024 that includes absolutely no Bud Light.
“Bud Light is out of production as of January 1, 2024,” said St. Louis Brewery Foreman Joe Barron, “that’s the word in the breakroom. The word in the breakroom is never wrong. It’s how the company spreads internal messages.”
That’s true. According to a quick search of the company bylaws, “all employees will be apprised of internal matters while on break.” That has morphed over the years into memos and other methods of communication between staff members.
“In this case, we can say with a certainty that there is no official word,” said Vice President of Bud Light Cynthia Lewhoo, “but the production run doesn’t seem to include the product, so who knows?”
Bud Light first started losing popularity after the infamous “trans can.” Since then, the company has closed half its breweries, been banned from Oktoberfest, and was forced to fire its entire marketing staff. Investors have run for the hills as the stock price continues to tumble week after week.
Some people are quick to point out that Bud Light’s woes are mostly “satirical,” and that many, if not all, originate from this very journalisticator. The claim has been forwarded to our fact-checker for clarification. God Bless America.
