Talk about not being wanted. Even though outgoing President Trump immediately refused to appear at the inauguration ceremonies for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, his successor boldly announced he didn’t want him there anyway. But thanks to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, that honor will be nearly impossible.
According to Congressional aide and head of the Office of Possibly Impeaching a Third Time Sandy Batt, Pelosi has ordered the Capitol police to take Trump into “isolated custody” during the event, ostensibly to : “avoid a repeat of his tendency to juice up his nutcase treasonous followers”, and protect the general public.
MyPillow’s Mike Lindell will be exhaustively searched to be certain his filling is free from cotton clumps.
Such an occurrence is not without historical precedence. In 1976, unbeknownst to many, police held former President Gerald Ford in a locked pair of disco boots inside of a Pet Rock retail outlet while the incoming Jimmy Carter took his path of office. In a similar, yet more modern twist, police plan to place the morbidly obese Trump inside of an elephant feeding tent surrounded by a moat filled with boiling hot rattlesnake venom.
The tent, venom, and facilities were donated by Isolation Sponsor Oprah Winfrey.
Capitol Police Captain Eric Tilewart says Pelosi is right to keep the former President off the field of play for this important historical moment.
“Yeah, this is kind of a no-brainer case of tying the dildo salesman to a telephone pole when the whorehouse has it’s grand opening. Nobody wants the guy there, nobody wants his legion of duncecaps pooping all over the sidewalks and landscaping, so we’ll keep his fat ass on ice. It’s just common sense and courtesy. Don’t worry, we’ll keep him fed. We bought thirty pounds of the same crap he sends those kids he put in cages. Bon appetit, prick.”
If he’s very very good, Trump may be afforded some bread and Noxema to dip it in.
Security is already heightened at the Capitol, thanks to the previous week’s failed insurrection attempt by Qtards and diabetic grandfathers in cosplay. Now, I’m sure we all just want our new President safe from harm.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
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