Republished with permission from Latherland

Lia Thomas quit the world of competitive swimming and opted instead to become a coach. With a slew of world records and a national championship under her belt, who better to teach the next generation? Thomas secured a job at Batt High School in Vanden Boom, Michigan.

It might have worked out if Lia Thomas was like every other woman in the water, but Lia Thomas is — biologically — a man. “The girls just couldn’t get past it,” said Principal Joe Barron, “it was really awkward for them.”

After more than half the team quit, the school district started wondering if Thomas was the issue. “We put two and two together,” said Superintendent Art Tubolls, “There’s no other explanation. As much as we like her as a person, we had to let her go.”

According to our sources, the main problem people will have with this whole thing will be the use of the pronouns “she” and “her” when referring to Thomas. “The average potato doesn’t take kindly to such things,” said Barron.

ALLOD Sportsball Correspondelator Tara Newhole looked into the story and found that it had “little to no basis in fact.” Newhole reports that Thomas is still more than two years removed from the trans swimmer issue and has moved on to a likely career as a civil rights attorney.

“Riley Gaines is the only one keeping this nonsense alive,” said Newhole, “her and the boomer taters you keep selling your garbage to.” Newhole isn’t exactly wrong. By our calculations, Thomas and Gaines have combined for nearly as much traffic as Whoopi Goldberg, which in the world of satire trolling isn’t an easy feat.

Congratulations, Ms Thomas, for the accomplishment. Also, we’re sorry. Kinda. God bless America.


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