As a promising young man, Kyle Rittenhouse is the epitome of the conservative American dream. He’s already gotten away with not one, but two murders in a court of law, and is turning his attention for the future elsewhere.
“Joining the military has always been a lifelong dream of mine,” the now 21-year old tells reporter Joe Barron. “And I’m proud and honored to have it come to fruition.”
You may have heard that Rittenhouse unfortunately failed the ASVAB test required to enlist in the USMC. In fact, he failed it so badly and ridiculously stupidly, that he can’t take it again. The boy, while okay with a gun against unarmed opponents, isn’t so hot with the brainy thinking.
Next, he failed the tests for the other United States corps, even the Space Force. He received only a score of 26 on the Space Exam. For God’s sake, you get 30 points just for writing your name. Who knew “Rittenhouse” didn’t have a “P”?
Determined to find an outlet for his blasting obsession, Kyle applied for the Wisconsin People’s Militia, a loose organization of truck drivers and people who professionally fit pipes into other pipes by day, and cosplay with guns in their off time. He passed with flying colors.
“Kyle is going to be our newest blowjobber,” said militia gun packer Harmon Pigeons. “He’s got that pretty mouth and we all can’t wait to use it. Although he did spell ‘Rittenhouse’ wrong on his application. What the hell is the P for?”
After his epic ASVAB failure, the rest of the world is already taking bets on when his first suicide attempt will be.
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