Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse has been the subject of a veritable hurricane of news items. The teenaged troubadour made headlines a while back for transporting a firearm across state lines to wander around until he found someone’s life to extinguish, which he did. Twice.
After a lengthy showcase trial, during which the boy wept like a pussy on live television and pandered to the sociopathic Trump-jerking judge, he was acquitted, to the pleasure of the nation’s Conservatives, who enjoy seeing murderers get off.
Now, in the 637th article featuring the chubby chestburster, New York representitive Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez made mention of him during her speech a day ago in Amherst.
“Remember that kid, Kyle Shittenmouse or whatever? You know, the pudgy little future serial killer who likes to play John Wick with a Limp Dick? Yeah. Well, his mother got fat-reduction surgery. That’s gotta be like sucking water out of the Pacific, huh?”
The statement was made in casual jest, but was immediately noticed by Rittenhouse family lawyer Sandra Batt, who instantly released a statement.
“Looks like someone else wants to get sued into oblivion. That liberal bartender is gonna have to pour some serious Alabamma Slammers after I’m done with her. Say goodbye to your solar house, chippie.”
In the world of complete fiction, Rittenhouse has sued a number of people whom he viewed as defamating, including Whoopi Goldberg, President Joe Biden, and basketball legend Kobe Bryant, who is no longer alive.
